OK. Let’s be real — We’re not all that unique, really. We’ve heard lots of couples share a similar initial trajectory:
Ess started out joking about threesomes and wanting to see me with another woman — ha! ha! ha! — then found himself nervously surprised when I teased back flirtatiously about it rather than rejecting the idea outright. Joking about something naughty to gauge someone’s response may just be THE most tried-and-true “let’s talk about sexual exploration” ice breaker that exists.
Joking about something naughty to gauge someone’s response may just be THE most tried-and-true “let’s talk about sexual exploration” ice breaker that exists.
Playful joking and flirtatious banter over time eventually turned into earnest conversations and shared fantasies about what we would like to experience with other couples or singles in bed. That lead to doing some online research about this thing people were calling the Lifestyle, and talking about — but not doing much about — joining a couples dating site or attending an event or club.
And there we stayed for a long time. We sort of just stalled.
We continued to flirt with each other about the idea, and even from time-to-time talked about how we might make it happen…but couldn’t ever seem to get it in gear, until we found out that two of our good friends were swingers.
And this is where the typical “how we entered the Lifestyle” story takes a somewhat unique turn.
Out of the blue one day, a mutual acquaintance who felt repulsed and scandalized by some gossip — and therefore wanted to share it with as many other people as possible — decided to fill me in on the fact that our friends were swingers and had a podcast about it. We were not repulsed or scandalized. We were just surprised…and intrigued.
I, see, am a woman of passion that can sometimes be mercurial. Ess, while passionate, possesses the slow-burning variety.
What happened next is that I got super enthusiastic, and scared the bejeebus out of Ess. I, see, am a woman of passion that can sometimes be mercurial. Ess, while also passionate, possesses the slow-burning variety. When my zeal for the topic shot from a 4 to an 11 on a 10-point scale — out of proportion to his — it took some backtracking as a couple before our forward momentum picked up again.
The good news is that what came of that initial imbalance was a lot of good conversation between us about why we might want to do this, what we hope to get out of it, and what we are and aren’t willing to put into it. It’s true, what they say about the Lifestyle paradoxically causing couples to grow closer to one another by deciding to share themselves with others.
It’s true, what they say about the Lifestyle paradoxically causing couples to grow closer to one another by deciding to share themselves with others.
Once we knew friends who were knowledgeable about the Lifestyle, our journey seriously un-stalled. We moved from talking about it with them, to increasing the earnestness of our couple discussions about it, to starting a profile on a dating site, to our first date with another couple.
And so, here we are. We may not have a sexy experience story to share every week, but we have lots to say and ideas to share about sex positivity and questions to pose as we learn more about and explore ethical non-monogamy together. May as well take you all along for the ride.
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