In his line of work, Ess has the opportunity — fairly regularly — to work one-on-one in intense situations with some beautiful women. Some single, some not. Yesterday, over sushi and wine, he was recounting how the lovely young lady with whom he was working earlier in the day had made it abundantly clear, repeatedly, that she’d be game for a tryst with him sometime, if he were.
He demured and declined, of course. There was more than one reason beyond the fact that the two of us had not yet broached the subject of ‘hall passes’ or separate play with each other in any kind of serious way. She also had some apparent personal issues with which he wasn’t sure he’d want to involve himself (smart man).
I didn’t feel jealous or territorial.
What was interesting to me was my immediate physical and emotional reaction to his story. I didn’t feel jealous or territorial. I felt aroused and intrigued at her interest in him and the idea of him playing with her and then coming home to tell me all about it. I loved the idea of another woman wanting him and him getting to feel that attention. I loved the idea of him experiencing sexual sensations different than the ones he gets with me.
Whelp. That’s new.
So, throughout the evening, we talked about the idea of separate play and hall passes and what our rules and boundaries might be for that. I told him I sort of liked the idea. The bottom line for me, I said, was that it had to be just sex. Maybe friendship and admiration and respect plus sex. But not sex that carries promises of romantic love. And never with someone who might believe otherwise or get the impression that it would lead to a romantic relationship. And — of course — the other person would have to have full knowledge going into it that this is an agreement we have, that we are married and in love with each other and not looking to create a triad or looking to leave one another. It’s not cool to dupe someone or misrepresent what’s up. Beyond that, the idea is that thumbs-up be gained beforehand and all the dirty details be dished in full afterwards. Otherwise, what’s the fun?!
It’s not cool to dupe someone or misrepresent what’s up.
We headed to bed together with me feeling really good about how our discussion went and where we were with each other and with our relationship…and actually excited about the prospects ahead for our sexual explorations together and maybe separately.
My brain, however, was hiding some emotions from me. Fears. Insecurities. Concerns.
It decided to share them with me at about 3AM in the form of a dream (nightmare) in which Ess abruptly told me, without malice or ire, all the ways he had never actually enjoyed having sex with me — which turned out to be most of them — then began to rush me to get ready for a swinger event we had scheduled for that evening, which I had forgotten all about. Within my dream, I felt lied to, deeply betrayed, and confused.
I woke up, turned over, and murmured to Ess, “I don’t think I’m ready for hall passes just yet, after all.”
As comfortable as I thought I had been with it going to bed, apparently my brain has some questions.
“Okay,” he said, kissing me and drawing me to him. He didn’t ask why. It didn’t matter. Not being ready was all he needed to hear.
He just said “okay.” And I knew that it was.
We’d encourage you to read “Dreams Don’t Come True, They Are True” in Psychology Today if you’re wondering why I’d put the brakes on a relationship decision based on something I dreamed. I mean, there’s no rush.
Be sure to check out the ABOUT page to learn more about us and this blog.