What Dreams May Come

In his line of work, Ess has the opportunity — fairly regularly — to work one-on-one in intense situations with some beautiful women. Some single, some not. Yesterday, over sushi and wine, he was recounting how the lovely young lady with whom he was working earlier in the day had made it abundantly clear, repeatedly, that she’d be game for a tryst with him sometime, if he were.

Not Ess. Not Elle. photo| Rawpixel

He demured and declined, of course. There was more than one reason beyond the fact that the two of us had not yet broached the subject of ‘hall passes’ or separate play with each other in any kind of serious way. She also had some apparent personal issues with which he wasn’t sure he’d want to involve himself (smart man).

I didn’t feel jealous or territorial.

What was interesting to me was my immediate physical and emotional reaction to his story. I didn’t feel jealous or territorial. I felt aroused and intrigued at her interest in him and the idea of him playing with her and then coming home to tell me all about it. I loved the idea of another woman wanting him and him getting to feel that attention. I loved the idea of him experiencing sexual sensations different than the ones he gets with me.

Whelp. That’s new.

So, throughout the evening, we talked about the idea of separate play and hall passes and what our rules and boundaries might be for that. I told him I sort of liked the idea. The bottom line for me, I said, was that it had to be just sex. Maybe friendship and admiration and respect plus sex. But not sex that carries promises of romantic love. And never with someone who might believe otherwise or get the impression that it would lead to a romantic relationship. And — of course — the other person would have to have full knowledge going into it that this is an agreement we have, that we are married and in love with each other and not looking to create a triad or looking to leave one another. It’s not cool to dupe someone or misrepresent what’s up. Beyond that, the idea is that thumbs-up be gained beforehand and all the dirty details be dished in full afterwards. Otherwise, what’s the fun?!

It’s not cool to dupe someone or misrepresent what’s up.

We headed to bed together with me feeling really good about how our discussion went and where we were with each other and with our relationship…and actually excited about the prospects ahead for our sexual explorations together and maybe separately.

Dreaming is ultimately about awakening.” photo | Bruce Christian

My brain, however, was hiding some emotions from me. Fears. Insecurities. Concerns.

It decided to share them with me at about 3AM in the form of a dream (nightmare) in which Ess abruptly told me, without malice or ire, all the ways he had never actually enjoyed having sex with me — which turned out to be most of them — then began to rush me to get ready for a swinger event we had scheduled for that evening, which I had forgotten all about. Within my dream, I felt lied to, deeply betrayed, and confused.

I woke up, turned over, and murmured to Ess, “I don’t think I’m ready for hall passes  just yet, after all.”

As comfortable as I thought I had been with it going to bed, apparently my brain has some questions.

“Okay,” he said, kissing me and drawing me to him. He didn’t ask why. It didn’t matter. Not being ready was all he needed to hear.

He just said “okay.” And I knew that it was.

We’d encourage you to read “Dreams Don’t Come True, They Are True” in Psychology Today if you’re wondering why I’d put the brakes on a relationship decision based on something I dreamed. I mean, there’s no rush.

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3 thoughts on “What Dreams May Come

  1. I really enjoyed this article. You make this all sound so easy. I’m still trying to figure out how to tell my wife that I would like to try the lifestyle without hurting her. I don’t want her to feel like she was inadequate and that I don’t appreciate her.

    1. Thanks for reading. We’re sort of surprised to hear that it sounds easy, because as we live it — it’s not! But reflecting on what you’ve noted, we can see why you’d get that impression. This blog is picking up after we did all of that initial conversation, which took YEARS. Literally years. We spent 1-2 years dancing around the idea with each other (joking, teasing, hinting) before we discussed it frankly, then at least another 2-3 years talking about how it might work — in fits and starts — and then once we decided to give it a try, I scared the daylights out of Ess with my enthusiasm for the idea…which meant we had to take several giant steps back before tiptoeing forward again. We are working on a “prequel” type post to talk about our relationship and how we got to the point where we could start the LS together. Guess we’d better get on that! ~ Elle

  2. I love reading your stories, and thank you again for sharing them. Long ago, before I knew anything about swinging besides pornstaches, paisley shirts, and gold chains, I found myself oddly aroused reading “wifesharing” erotica. My initial desire to push into non-monagamy was all about my wife having sexual encounters alone, and then recounting the details to me afterwards. Fast forward a dozen years to the present, (yes, it took twelve years of talking, failed attempts, and counseling before we were able to agree on a way forward in the lifestyle for real,) and the hotwife scenario is still our primary method of play. So with all of this time, obvious desire and passion, I still get unexpected feelings the day after many of her encounters. I think this is completely normal, even for someone like me who derives most of my pleasure from her fulfillment. The hardest part for me is not letting my day after concerns affect her enjoyment and desire to continue on the LS track. I know there is no basis in reality for thinking she wants anything more out of her side encounters than she enjoys with me, but it can be difficult to get past the deeply ingrained ideal that a husband should be the sole provider of all of his wife’s needs. Bottom line for me is, we both enjoy the hell out of how we’re living, and while it causes ripples in the baseline of our connection, the conversations we have about them are what brings us closer together each time. Oh, I can’t tell you how impressed I am by Ess. His ability to comprehend anything at three A.M. goes a long way!

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